In the
shadowy, spook-infested underworld of criminals and terrorists where
Herr Senator and Interior Minister, Mr Rehman Malik moves about in
unmarked, black-tinted vehicles, every bush is suspect. Shrubs are seen
to be but carefully camouflaged time bombs and flower pots, long
regarded as terrorist agents, primed to blow up on planned and
intricately timed systems rendering the country immobile and everything
we know, asunder.
It is easy to become a victim of your innermost fears
and shortcomings and start believing that the solutions lie with you and
only you and that measures forced down the gullet are designed to
eliminate the problems wherever they may exist. Mr Malik has foisted
upon this unfortunate nation a string of measures and rules that have
only made us more fragile and frightened. In his book, there is no
complicated mathematics involved and no serious attempt at cause and
effect. Instead of mulling over such things with quality time, it is
more a case of ‘jump now, talk later.’ And this is how it pans out.
Supposing
some day a professional sleuth whispers in Herr Malik’s ear that the
drinking of milk is the real reason the terrorists are multiplying, it
would take no more than a few nano seconds for Herr Malik to string
everything together. Since milk comes from cows and such like creatures,
remove them from the farms. Place them elsewhere, doesn’t matter where –
the National Institute of Strategic Studies, the National Assembly or
the hills of beloved Islamabad. No cows, no milk, no terrorism. QED.
Should there still be milk produced by nefarious agents with their own
agenda, ban the transport and drinking of milk with immediate effect.
Out would go thousands of carts, pickups, trucks, motorcycles and
bicycles and in would come peace and tranquility. Terrorism, already
with an established milk connection, would be eliminated in one fell
swoop.
Perhaps Herr Malik has arrived on this planet
ahead of his time because no one quite understands what he wants to do,
though the only protest citizens make when they see him warning the
nation on TV, where he usually spends his time when not traveling
overseas to save the world, is to flinch with pain and take a deep
breath. What’s Malik banning now they ask? Breathing? He should
certainly ban it in most of Pakistan, particularly dust-laden cities
like Lahore where scum passes for smog and the ordinary folk choke and
struggle for breath on any given day at any given hour. Quite recently
he, based on ‘confidential and well placed’ intelligence, banned mobile
phone services. There have been so many loony orders like this one that
I, at least, cannot remember what the fuss was all about. Was it a
Pakistan-India clash in some tournament or was it Eid or was it the
president’s birthday. Whatever, wham came the ban and the hopes of the
terrorists were crushed. They spent the whole day sulking, looking at
‘No Service’ signs. Earlier YouTube got the Herr Malik treatment.
Because it broadcast a blasphemous and horribly produced sort-of-film
made by a mentally sick man out on parole and not Francis Ford Coppola,
YouTube was banned and remains banned.
Countries were
held responsible with the good Malik not once saying that they were not
responsible. Anyone who has seen a computer at close quarters or talked
to a human being instead of a tree, would know that the internet is out
there far above in the sky, beyond the rising fringe of Malik Sahib’s
latest Afro hairdo and that there is damn all governments can do to
prevent the millions of sites from beaming out any content. It may well
be the wish of all patriotic and green-caked Pakistanis to have squeaky
clean Internet that sings their praises but sadly this is not possible.
This
week Herr Malik, back from yet another trip – does anyone know where
all he goes all the time – pronounced the three divorces on bike-riding
in bike-infested Karachi. Malik Sahib felt that terrorists would be
riding bikes while spreading terrorism. That is a great deduction. One
has heard that terrorists also use Suzuki Mehran cars. It might be a
good idea to ban these too because if one terrorist group has used the
Mehran, what’s stopping the others from following suit? Pickup trucks
with carelessly thrown tarpaulins have often carried more bombs than
bricks and ridden through dozens of barriers where the security boys
have cheerfully waved them on, so we should ban all trucks and such
like. Now that some women terrorists have been spotted in an operation,
it should be plain to understand that women can be terrorists. Thus any
woman seen on a public road must be stopped and thoroughly questioned
and divested of the flower pot she is determined not to hand over. Soon
enough half the population – women – will be eliminated and our worries
reduced.
Herr Malik’s revolutionary step aimed to stop the
terrorists in their tracks was foiled by the Sindh High Court with its
chief justice suspending the directive of the interior ministry. Mr
Malik had earlier claimed that he had prior information that the bad
guys will strike riding motorbikes but he did not share what bikes they
would actually be riding this past Friday. He also warned the nation
that no one would be exempted from the ban, which has me flummoxed but
then I don’t quite follow often what the brilliant minister for interior
says. Malik Sahib said that use of vehicles without proper
documentation was strictly banned. This is also a brilliant move.
All
day long during Muharram and well into the night police will stop cars
and begin the laborious task of checking the documents. First, there is
little to check. Most citizens don’t carry originals because they fear
their vehicle is bound to be stolen or forcibly taken and they would
lose the original papers. Second, who will check the papers and how?
Most cops and members of Malik Sahib’s A Team are illiterate and would
have a hard time affixing a thumb print on a large page. And what will
they really check? Open the hood and see if the engine and chassis
numbers match what the papers claim? Another failed Malik measure is
what I see.
Most of us are unable to comprehend how this
so-termed security system works. The entire country is barrier-infected.
There are sharp and dangerous looking spiky structures everywhere
swarming with men with whom a conversation like ‘A is for?’ would be
hard to manage. As commuters play zig-zag through a maze of sharp turns
and impossible spaces, barely squeezing through, the men at the posts
view them with dull eyes and imperiously wave them on. What they
determine is not known. How many terrorists were nabbed at such posts is
not known. And yet the boys from the badlands saunter across and blow
up buildings whilst whistling the latest ditty from Bollywood.
The
brave faujis have taken matters further. They are quite happy if you
don’t come to where they live and work and delighted when you get out.
Hence all the check points are where you are entering their world. If
you are leaving, good riddance is in the air. Within their special
world, entire roads have been gobbled up, huge gates and such like
constructed, fortresses guarding fortresses and still they want more
security measures. There is now talk of a super-duper intel agency to
probe all other agencies. Wow sir, wow.
As for real
security for the real people of this country, ask the first person you
meet on the street and you will hear the truth. Herr Malik needs to do
some reality checks otherwise it will confirm forever that all these
measures are for the self-preservation of the elite and ‘Security of the
People’ is the biggest hogwash that’s ever been thrust down this
nation’s gullet.
The writer is a Lahore-based columnist. Email: masoodhasan66@gmail.com