Precisely, that concerns me even if I don’t ask you. I’m very
interested in knowing which social strata you come from so I could
decide and assign you the right place in my rack of social-relations.
Obviously, in order to define my self and my prestige I need You to be
positioned perfect so I could uphold an impeccable self-image and be
respected by those I respect.
What makes you think it’s a hard potato to slice, all I have to do is
to have a couple of lingering X-ray shots on you and ask a few
rapid-fire question to let myself grade you.
The Magical X-ray Shots:
Wearing Prada or Parda:
Well that was just a catchy line. What I mean to say is, my riveting
eyes can tell you with an absolute precision what designer you’re
wearing-thanks to all the exhibitions I walk in, and the designer
booklets I keep internalizing for my tailor.
I.
Tights for Shalwar: In case you’re not
wearing tights or flashy trousers, you’re way out of my league. The
forbidden, baggy Shalwars that inflate into a balloon each time a little
air blows, sadly put you two or three class lower in your social saddle
than mine.
II.
Floor-sweeping shirts or You better sweep the floor:
Your number up the social class climbs as your shirt outsizes you and
turns into a nice, floral, floor-sweeping cloth. It’s ravishing plus it
also keeps your surrounds clean. Anyone with the old, average-sized
shirt is too
paindo for me to stand or stand with. Huh…I’d rather sweep you away with one swish.
III.
Wearing Titan or Titanic (a local watch
company): I can perfectly square you with the brand of watch you’re
wearing. The glittering, metallic band is surely distinguishable from
the fading black belt around your wrist. So, better not wear those Rs.
200 watches if you want to stand anywhere near me. Remember, it’s not
about the time anyway; it’s all about the show-off time.
IV.
Forever 21 or Forever 40: You expect me to
be friends with a girl who wouldn’t pass for one? Who possibly could,
without wearing that branded, shimmering accessories to pose vibrant and
youthful look. My friend should be a perfect designer closet showcasing
a range of brands on her tiny, petite frame.
And if by any chance, you happen to cover you self up in black
chaddar or
Abaya, then it already makes us two different creatures , in a cut-throat rivalry and vying to usurp the planet .
Truth-Revealing Rapid-Fire Questions:
I.
Up or down the Bridge: Do you live in DHA?
It is the litmus test. No wonder an entire population is trying hard to
go up the steep bridge using Rapunzel’s hair for support. Once gone up
the bridge there’s no way down. Even my eyelashes refuse to bash
southwards and you expect me to descend down? Honestly, my friendship
and associations are confined to my neighboring Khayabanis. And the
rest, for me, are third-world countrymen.
II.
Which School are you from? Another reveal-er
.
Not from Grammar and or Convent or perhaps a couple of other schools
who charge more than an entire household’s income? Then, you’re a sorry
case. For life, your school’s will be the last degree attached you, for
the rest are universities also cater the ‘less-privileged’ ones as well.
The true qualification of wealth, hence, stands to be your school
alone.
III.
How Regressive is your ‘R’: Your accent is
a crying identity of your social status. Pronounce your r’s , o’s, and
eellzz (l) correct and you win! Or you’ll be labeled a poor monki if
your ‘r’ comes from the tip of your tongue!
IV.
What Club do you go to? : Oh not that
street-gym! I’m talking about that state-of-the-art club you have the
member-ship of. Yes, where madams hold their kitty parties while their
kitties walk the paddle. No club? Oh my word, what backwardness!
V.
Which Car is Yours?: This four-wheeler can
take you places. A big car (Prado, City or Corolla etc) happens to be
the only respectable means of commutation these days. Our
car-consciousness has surpassed our moral consciousness to an extent
where people can actually kill for a car. I got lame? I know
VI.
No. Of Foreign trips: Even if you can
afford to go to Somalia, do that! You’re a naive, little kitten in the
cot if you haven’t got tickets on passport. Your foreign trips are the
topic of conversation as you brag about yourself with people.
VII.
Smart Phone or Dumb Phone: More than
anything else, your cell-phones take the due credit of defining you.
Your life without a smart-phone or Blackberry means no worth. Even a
thief wouldn’t glance at you with interest if your phone receives only
calls!
VIII.
Got Foreign Degree or going to KU: Everybody
is supposed to have a foreign degree even if it is from Kenya. A
foreign degree is the only sign that you’re cultured and educated.
However, if you’re KU ki awam, excuse me, next please.
While I crack these satires with an apparent lack of shame, let me
admit, these are the current stereotypes prevalent and alive in our
society. Ironically, how we have attached all the value to things and
places only tells us how insignificant we have turned in our own eyes.
We, the real Us, are so miserably dependent on Gucci, Titan, IPAD, Prada
or Defense to define our selves, our real essence is simply lost
somewhere. The effort that was previously invested in welding precious
moral values into a person, is now exhausted on earning the flashy
labels for ourselves. And so next time, we talk about social and
political reformation and ‘change’; know that you can’t erect castles on
marshes.
P.S: Proudly, I got my master’s degree from the
prestigious Karachi University, travel by a car way smaller than Prado
and don’t live across
the hill. And guess what, it hasn’t ever made a difference at all.